


apple cider

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Fights, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, No Way, but they can show it, junbin deserves the world, junhoe pov, so is this angst?, soft angst, there's a lot of misconstrued feelings, they love each other but does either of them know how to say that?, they say things they don’t mean, they’re learning on the job, where you don’t know what you’re insecure about but you’re still insecure, yeah i'm bad at summaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 14:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17449205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: Junhoe's pretty sure that this is the longest fight that they've ever had and if there was one thing he was certain of, it wasn't that Hanbin was going to come back to him. Because Junhoe had messed up. He was good at doing that, especially to one of the only people he loved, and he wondered why on earth he kept pushing him away.





	apple cider

When Junhoe walked into the kitchen in the morning, stumbling after the smell of cinnamon that kept on hitting all his senses, he went there to find his boyfriend stirring something while large headphones sat on his ears, his head bobbing to something gently. And it wasn't like Hanbin was _always_ a late waker but it was eight am on a Saturday, the morning after Junhoe had made Hanbin stay the night, and after seeing first-hand that the only thing that would ever wake Hanbin up (after trying opening the blinds, taking the blanket off, dousing him in water, screaming rock songs into his ears) was a kiss, Junhoe was actually a bit worried.

He didn't say anything at first, only moving past Hanbin to get to where the teabags were but then hands were patting his waist, making him grunt sleepily as he turned his head, wondering what the bright-eyed, too-early alien Hanbin wanted. Hanbin was smiling at him, his headphones hanging snugly around his neck now and Junhoe had to actually admit that this might be the best sight he had ever seen around first thing in the morning.

"Hiya."

Junhoe grunted again, closing his eyes for just a moment when Hanbin reached up to ruffle his hair. Junhoe batted away his hand a second later though (he had a reputation to maintain) and went back to his search but then a hand was tapping his arm, and Junhoe whipped his head to the side, eyes narrowed as he grunted yet again, hoping that he sounded more menacing this time. He felt disheartened at the amused crinkle of Hanbin's eyes, though, but his eyes lightened up a little in curiosity when Hanbin held out a mug. "For you."

Junhoe's grunt was more questioning now, his tone turning up at the end as he reached out for it and Hanbin pushed it into his hands before clasping his hands together in anticipation. Junhoe looked down at the cup, eyes widening a little when he saw the soft orangey liquid that reminded him of both orange juice and beer, and steam was coming off it too. He stared at it, then back at Hanbin who was still grinning, then at the drink, then back at Hanbin as he let out a grunt that sounded more like a confused whine of a puppy.

"It's something I learnt from my mother once. Try it," Hanbin said, pushing it closer to Junhoe's chest before he walked away, pulling the headphones back over his ears. It took a while for Junhoe's one functioning morning brain cell to realise that Hanbin was getting ready to _leave_ , putting his arms through his coat, wrapping a scarf around his neck, walking towards the door. And Junhoe blinked when he finally noticed, making him put the mug down on the counter and race over to Hanbin before he opened the front door, slowing his steps at the end to still keep his air of nonchalance.

"Are you leaving?"

"Hm?" Hanbin asked in surprise, spinning around to blink at Junhoe and it was so infuriating, that innocent look where Hanbin was _actually_ being innocent and not only pretending to so he could fuel up Junhoe's rage. It was the kind of look where Junhoe would remember why he didn't find it repulsive to kiss Hanbin, and why he actually wanted to most of the time. "Yeah."

"You could stay."

"I've got work."

"I'm better."

"But you're not paying my bills," Hanbin bit back, leaving Junhoe's morning brain cell at a loss, so he just crossed his arms and looked to the side. "We've all got our paradises but then we've got our tethers to reality."

Junhoe hummed in distant acknowledgement, acting out casual comprehension because he didn't want to get so deep so early in the morning. It would only lead to angsty poems and perhaps tears, Junhoe wasn't ready for that. For once.

"I'll see you soon, babe," Hanbin said, his eyes and smile flashing with playfulness and Junhoe rolled his eyes, murmuring, "You're not allowed to call me that," as he let Hanbin tug his face down and kiss his cheek. Junhoe even pressed _more_ forward, too taken by Hanbin's heat that he didn't think when he fit their lips together and shivered at the contrast of the elder's cold fingertips playing with the hair at the nape of his neck and his warm mouth that Junhoe loved tracing with his tongue when he got the chance. But Hanbin's lips didn't open today and Junhoe was okay with that, okay with drinking in the soft, plush feeling and letting his mind drown in the simple forms of sweetness. "Bye."

"Mhm..."

Then Hanbin was going, his fingers trailing down before leaving Junhoe's neck, and Junhoe was left alone seconds later as he simply shook his head and went back to the kitchen. He still tried to find his jam, just like he wanted to in the first place but then the mug caught his eye and Junhoe stared at it, challenging it for a good minute before swooping onto it and taking a sip.

Warmth.

Apple.

Bite.

Cinnamon.

Then there were all sorts of tastes that Junhoe was too bowled over to try and recognise, so before he drank it again, he immediately went over to his room to grab his phone because he couldn't in any way keep this reaction to himself.

**you**  
_hanbin_

**maybe he's cute**  
_junhoe!_

**you**  
_the drink_

 **you**  
_what_ _is_ _it_

**maybe he's cute**  
_hehehehhheheh won't tell you_

**you**  
_ugh fine_

**you**  
_its delicious_

**maybe he's cute**  
_really??_

**maybe he's cute**  
_like me ;)_

**you**  
_in your fucking dreams_

**getting less cute**  
_why my fucking dreams? why not just normal ones? I don't wanna be thinking about apple cider when I've got you moaning in my ear ygm_

**you**  
_we're breaking up_

**definitely not cute**  
_nO WAIT_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aggressive-aggressive arguing had suddenly become more common ever since Hanbin and Junhoe became a thing. Junhoe got angry easily and the fire that was always in Hanbin's eyes was the best thing to spark him up, leading to them both ripping off band-aids in seconds because they were too impatient to draw things out. Beating around the bush wasn't their thing.

It could be about stupid things, leaving clothes on the floor after sleepovers ("We don't even live together yet so _how are you already such a pain in the ass_ ") or differing in music taste ("If you play that infernal hip hop again then I will _slam_ you into this table"), but sometimes it was about bigger things disguised to be smaller things, where Junhoe would mask his stupid sore spots of insecurity by saying that Hanbin was 'kissing him wrong' or snapping that it wasn't comfortable when Hanbin put an arm around his waist instead of making it about his fragile masculinity. And usually, Hanbin fought back every time with his tongue that was sharper than Junhoe's (but a bit nicer) and that was fine, that was most times what Junhoe _wanted_.

"If you could ask me next time, that would be nice."

"Why the hell are you mad about it, I thought that was the type of thing people liked," Junhoe grumbled, crossing his arms and he didn't think he was wrong. The amount of dramas he had seen where the girl would wear the guy's clothes and the guy would go all gaga and starry eyes was a very high number, and besides, it was just clothes? A piece of cotton? Fabric? It had been on his floor so he picked it up and wore it, simple as. "You're the one who's always complaining about me leaving stuff at your place so uh, basically you've become a hypocrite?"

The flames rose, and then Hanbin was glaring at him. "That's not what we're arguing about."

"We could be."

"Is this what you want?" Hanbin asked, the flames flickering and suddenly Junhoe felt this all moving into deeper waters, into a place he never wanted it to go. "Us fighting 24/7?"

"It's better," Junhoe immediately said without being able to think about what he was saying, "than becoming complacent."

With one harsh blow, the fire went out.

The look Hanbin was giving him was doing something to his insides. A look of disbelief wrapped up in surprise, before hurt cocooned in remorseful acceptance and you never wanted to see all of that in eyes like Hanbin had. Eyes that portrayed everything to the fullest and pierced your soul and Junhoe _hated_ them. Why did they have to be so beautifully heartwrecking to the point that it made him want to take back every word he had ever said in his life?

"Complacent. _Complacent_. What the fuck do you mean?"

"I-I meant that-"

"Does being complacent mean you settling? Does being complacent mean domesticity, which you clearly don't want with me? Does being complacent mean you being fed up of me but you're just not bothered to let me go? Does complacent just mean us being in fucking _love_?! Which one is it?!"

Junhoe had no idea how to simply say 'I didn't mean it, it slipped out, I just have stupid insecurities that make me say stupid things' because he had never been able to say that before and this wasn't about to be the first. He didn't know what he had meant by 'complacent', he wasn't sure if it even meant what he _thought_ it meant and if anything, it was just a simple excuse to avoid something that Junhoe didn't want to talk about and it ended up sounding like something an absolute jerk would say. It was an excuse so he didn't have to say:

_'I start fights because I want to stay like we are. I'm scared that if we become something more, you'll realise that I'm not good enough to be your fairytale ending.'_

If it didn't make sense to anyone else, it did to Junhoe. He had warped logic but usually it worked. To an extent. And maybe now, that extent had been pushed and pushed until it finally wasn't withholding anymore.

"You selfish bastard," Hanbin spat and it hurt. It hurt so bad because Junhoe wasn't bulletproof. "When I think you can't surprise me any further, you go do it. You're trash."

Junhoe's hands clenched into his fists and he wanted to be calm because if he started replying, he knew that he'd burst into tears from the subtle, throat-clenching pricking he could feel at his eyes. But he couldn't help himself. "If you want to end this then just do it."

"Oh so you want _me_ to be the bad guy?"

"You're already being pretty mean-"

" _Mean_? Are you in kindergarten?"

"What do you want from me, do you want me to say I'm sorry? Swallow my pride and get on my knees begging for your forgiveness when I don't need to because I don't fucking need _you_ , do I?!"

"Oh grow up, Junhoe," Hanbin said in a steely voice, his eyes colder than Junhoe had ever seen them. "You don't even know what you're saying. You're just mess after mess after mess, and I'm sick of dealing with it."

Immediately after the last word, Hanbin turned on his heel and stormed out. Not one turn back, not one moment of hesitation, and Junhoe was frozen in anger the entire time, simmering like a hot pot until he heard the slam of the door and the lid fell off allowing all his steam to leave, and his knees buckled a little. He had to lay a hand flat against the wall, breathing out for a moment as he tried to work out his thoughts that were so messy that his brain hurt, just as much as his heart did. And it was stupid. Stupid enough to make him think, stupidly, like all the other times, that maybe this would be the end.

"You guys would be better off as an un-couple," Jiwon said bluntly after hearing the news and Junhoe stared at him with wide eyes before Donghyuk shoved the elder's face out of the way.

"Let me put that in a better way - do you remember what it was like when you guys weren't dating? Weren't things a little different then?" Donghyuk asked, his eyes shining in that irritatingly worried way that made Junhoe wish his friends were emotionless robots because that would make things a lot easier. But then he processed Donghyuk's words, and he thought back. Back to the time where him and Hanbin smiled at each other a lot, just smiles with no strings attached. When there really wasn't as much fighting. Where Junhoe didn't need to feel insecure because Hanbin wasn't that big of a part of his life. When he couldn't turn up at Hanbin's house at midnight to starfish on a bed and whine about dumb university problems while the elder stroked his head. When he didn't know the feeling of waking up to Hanbin with his arms around him, sleep-soft lips pressed up gently against his neck.

"I think we broke him," Donghyuk sighed, poking Junhoe's cheek and Jiwon raised his arms in surrender.

"Wasn't me, it was all you!"

"I think it's all a bit idiotic, to be honest," was what Jinhwan said in the middle of the night over the phone and Junhoe didn't like that answer because that was something he already _knew_. "But I can't speak for you guys. You have weird dynamics, I can't explain or even completely understand it but just, fix things up soon, okay? Can't have our next outing being too tense."

So, Jinhwan was no help either. Even though Junhoe hadn't actually _asked_ for help, only called him up to whine incessantly but it was still disappointing.

He skipped over Chanwoo and Yunhyeong with no thought, mostly because it was very aggravating to get relationship advice from people who were already in a really healthy relationship a.k.a. people who were better than you in every way, shape, or form. And they never let you forget it. Never.

His eyes couldn't help but snag on Hanbin's contact. The one that he changed all the time, mostly because it was fun, and usually seeing the number made a small cartoon heart fly out from his head but this time, he felt desolate. Heavy. He wouldn't press it, not for a long long while and he knew that, but he wondered what would happen if he did. Would Hanbin see it and harshly decline without a moment's hesitation? Would Hanbin see it and feel as heavy-hearted as Junhoe did, and simply let it ring so Junhoe would think he was busy? Or would Hanbin answer only for Junhoe to be silent on the other line, because he had no idea what to say?

 _i'm stupid, hyung. i'm stupid and if i don't need you then i want you, i want you so bad_ , were the words he typed into the message box, without sending, and for a dark, perilous moment, he actually waited. He waited to see if Hanbin would see that he was typing and start typing too. But nothing like that happened, so Junhoe erased the message and threw his phone to the side, deciding that he'd be blessed if he was able to get any sleep tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This must be the longest fight they'd ever had, and Junhoe kept on thinking every now and then, _is this really happening? This is some kind of nightmarish dream that I'll wake up from, right?_

As finals closed in on him, he kept on going through stages as days passed, manifesting into weeks, time reproducing like some kind of monstrous pathogen infecting him to prevent his happiness. He couldn't remember all of them, but there was one big, prominent factor that was always there despite the different stages, hanging in the air. Hatred. Hating the fact that it was like he was in withdrawal. Hating the fact that he really wanted Hanbin's apple cider, the thing was fucking ambrosia. Hating the fact that...he was doing that thing. That thing he didn't do a lot. That thing that Junhoe didn't like saying out loud, so he'd only ever say it in his head.

_I miss him._

It was la douleur exquise in a form he never thought about, because the pain was indeed exquisite but the love wasn't unrequited like what was usually associated with the term - however, Hanbin _was_ unattainable. Out of his reach. Not in a literal sense, but in a sense that Junhoe just _couldn't_. He even tidied up his floor which was a big deal for him, just to make sure such a thing would never repeat itself; maybe it didn't last that long but the sentiment was still there.

"Are you seriously trying to fix yourself for someone who might never come back to you?" Yunhyeong asked in amazement before recoiling at Junhoe's blazing glare. "I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_ , that was so tactless. I didn't mean it like that."

Junhoe wasn't trying to _fix_ himself. He just never wanted to mess up this badly again so he needed to undergo a few baby steps before he could even think about losing his pride and dragging himself to Hanbin's apartment, banging on the door and yelling, "FUCK YOU, HYUNG, PLEASE KISS ME"- okay, maybe that message was flawed but-

"Have you talked to him yet?"

_'Have you talked to him yet?' How mocking._

"Shut up."

"Junhoe."

"No."

"Then talk to him."

"Wow! All my problems are solved!" Junhoe cheered in an overly happy voice before he threw his jacket right into Yunhyeong's face, barely satisfied with the surprised splutter Yunhyeong made. Of course Junhoe'd thought about talking to Hanbin. Of course he had. But the problem was, he was absolutely, completely, one hundred percent certain that his stupid mouth would make things _worse_. That wasn't a risk he was about to take because he already felt like he was dying. "I'm starting to think none of you know me well at all."

"How are we supposed to know you when  you're nothing like us? It's not our job to be able to deduce the inner workings of your mind and fix your problems according to it, you know," Yunhyeong said and somehow, his voice was still kind despite the words he was saying, and it blew Junhoe's mind. It immediately pushed him off a high horse that he was never meant to be on because no, he wasn't the sun, and if everything revolved around him then Hanbin would too but that wasn't happening right now and that never happened. Hanbin was usually right next to him. _With_ him, as the world revolved around _them_.

In the end, they were still dating.

In the end, he wasn't single.

And in the end, on the day his finals began, Hanbin's instagram story was definitively a picture of Junhoe screaming at a pencil, there was pink text saying 'good luck, baby', and Junhoe's heart had never soared higher.

In the end, they weren't done. Not yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Que sera sera, quid erit erit. Junhoe was trying his best to be optimistic. During finals, he didn't really talk to anyone so the burn of Hanbin and his relationship being torn down the middle was easier to handle since he had books and revision material to pore himself into. Hanbin who? Calculus Higher Education Workbook #2 was his new boyfriend.

He was balancing a pen on his nose while twirling around in his chair, thinking about love lost and the law of conservation of mass that he only knew the easy definition for because closed systems and transfers were mind-fucking him, and it was getting quite jumbled in his head.

_Mass._

_No._

_The law of conservation of love states that love can not be created nor destroyed in an event. Thus, the amount of love cannot change. In...a closed system, that's the case. This is not a closed system, there's dramatic energy and passive simmering and broken-heartedness coming from everywhere so is our love increasing or decreasing?_

Then it happened. His phone buzzed from where it was face-down on the table and he looked at it, the pen falling tragically to the floor and Junhoe wondered who would dare disturb his state-of-the-art level of revising. But then he picked up his phone and he immediately forgot about that because his eyes were widening and his heart beat a little faster.

**proof he still exists**  
_HYUNG IVE GOT THE FOOD_

**proof he still exists**  
_GET YORBBUTT DOWN HERE_

**proof he still exists**  
_oh shit shit wrong number wtf_

**you**  
_bin?_

**proof he still exists**  
_fuck_

**you**  
_who's the food for?_

**proof he still exists**  
_me and jiwon. the idiot's not letting me into the building_

**you**  
_just press the trade button n it'll open, that's what i always do_

**proof he still exists**  
_OH MY GODDDDD GENIUS???¿?_

**you**  
_lol no_

**proof he still exists**  
_there's also the dilemma that he might literally not be at home cause he's a dick_

**you**  
_knock his door down a little then check_

**proof he still exists**  
_ok now it's getting too much_

**you**  
_i just say solutions, they don't need to be good ones ^^_

**proof he still exists**  
_god's sake_

**you**  
_what's wrong now? tripped down the stairs? there's a lot of them aren't there_

**proof he still exists**  
_no_

**proof he still exists**  
_no but I'm gonna, my eyes are leaking everything's so blurry_

**you**  
_what happened..._

**proof he still exists**  
_you. you happened idiot and I miss you so much that this fucking hurts_

**you**  
_don't_

**proof he still exists**  
_what do you mean, don't? I don't know how to stop so_

**you**  
_stop making me feel things_

**proof he still exists**  
_seriously?_

**proof he still exists**  
_junhoe that's the only way I know you care, if you feel things_

**proof he still exists**  
_if you don't then_

**proof he still exists**  
_what's the point_

**you**  
_hyung i love you_

**proof he still exists**  
_holy shit_

**you**  
_come over_

**proof he still exists**  
_oh my gosh already omw_

Ultimately, Junhoe was a closet crybaby. He didn't like being reminded of it, especially if it ended with teasing or people being surprised, but it was okay if it was times that ended in Chanwoo (of all people) hugging his head, saying it was alright. Those kinds of things were okay, when humanity weren't fuckers and instead made him feel better, for once. But he definitely didn't appreciate the way the world was misting up all around him and this? This was the first time he had cried during all of these weeks, the first time his mind had said _'fuck being strong and proud, it's time to let you break down'_ and he did it, he cried his heart out for a good moment and his head hurt so bad and his throat was all scratchy but somehow it still felt _good_. He wouldn't have heard the knock on the door if he hadn't already been looking out for it.

A minute later and he wouldn't be able to remember his drunk stumbling to the door, tripping over his feet, thinking _'is it worth it to catch myself?'_ before doing it anyway. He wouldn't remember opening the door, but perhaps he'd remember how he tried to best to straighten his posture, look like he _had_ been doing fine without him. He wouldn't remember quickly grabbing a tissue roll to wipe his face completely fresh, but he'd remember the feeling of not wanting to seem weak. It was all futile, of course. One look at Hanbin had his throat closing up again, and he couldn't even speak.

Hanbin didn't look angry. He didn't even look sad. Instead, he was glowing in his soft way, smiles not on his lips but present in his eyes as he said, "I brought the food. Jiwon-hyung made me wait so it's not like he deserves it."

And fuck, Junhoe had missed him. Missed his stupid hair, his stupid voice, his stupid _skin_ and he was too dumbfounded to be able to move as Hanbin walked in and did that thing where he made a place his home in seconds, stretching out his arms as he let out a sigh and slung his bag onto the kitchen counter. And that's when he saw it. He saw the scarf wrapped around Hanbin's neck and he stared at it for a good moment, thinking, why was it so familiar? But he knew why. It was just a little mind-boggling, when he thought back to how this fight had first started.

"Were you sleeping or something? Your hair's a mess," Hanbin said with a raised eyebrow as Junhoe closed in on him like he was under a spell. "I need to start grooming you."

"Well, I haven't really had anyone I need to impress these days," Junhoe replied almost bitterly, resting his hands on the counter either side of Hanbin and it was just a little bit too irresistible when the corners of Hanbin's lips moved.

"And you usually do?"

"I usually do. But I wouldn't be expecting you to know that."

"I don't think I know a lot of things."

"I don't think either of us do. Isn't it our thing to be dumb?"

"Not dumb, we're just like what my mother always said when she was bringing me up."

"What?" Junhoe asked in confusion though he was getting distracted, what with Hanbin's hands suddenly in his hair which was once such a normal feeling that now he felt so completely drugged, so ready to fall headfirst into this again. His eyes closed for a moment when Hanbin's slender fingers stroked over his neck, his lips whispering, "Learning on the job," and then Junhoe was pushing back, opening his eyes and staring straight back into Hanbin's wide, curious ones. Junhoe knew that they had to talk. He couldn't afford to get lost and caught up, not yet. "Hanbin."

"Mm?" The innocent eyes were there again.

"You texted me on purpose. You didn't mix up my number with Jiwon-hyung's, you wouldn't do that."

"Wha- you what?" Hanbin asked in alarm, but his ears were tinging a little red and it made Junhoe want to smile. But he only leant in again, delicately, and he didn't think that he had ever felt so strongly about wanting to kiss Hanbin's darn _cheek_. Why his cheek?

"I know what you've saved me as in your phone, it's nowhere near what you have Jiwon down as."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Okay. Let's pretend your obscene, vomit-inducing amount of heart emojis refers to Jiwon-hyung too, I'm sure he'll be happy about it."

"I hate you."

"No," Junhoe said, eyes shining but not in that sort of paranormal way where love is suddenly a tangible thing because no, it's really not. They were just glassy and Hanbin was the light reflecting in them, all the light Junhoe needed. "You could argue that _I_ hate you. But you don't. Or else, you wouldn't have tried to do something."

"And I thought I was being clever."

"I might not be smart but, when it comes to you, I'll notice stuff. Sorry."

" _Ding_ _ding_. There we have evidence that Koo Junhoe doesn't hate me," Hanbin said with a soft sort of grin, tugging Junhoe closer and kissing his jaw. It was tingly. Heart-racing. Junhoe was too far gone but he found himself curling a finger into the scarf and tugging a little, saying, "So what's this about?"

"This?"

"This scarf's mine."

"Yeah," Hanbin said, nodding as he pressed both his hands into Junhoe's cheeks, squishing gently and they were refreshingly cold against Junhoe's burning skin. Then Junhoe had never heard Hanbin say anything softer and more apologetic than when he said, "It's just clothes."

It was Hanbin's way of saying sorry. It was Hanbin's way of saying he shouldn't have blown up about something so stupid, that the fight hadn't even actually been about clothes in the end. _It's just clothes_ meant _we were idiots_. _It's just clothes_ meant _we'll fix this, we'll get better_. _It's just clothes_ meant a world of possibilities and Junhoe could see them all. Right in Hanbin's beautiful eyes.

Junhoe had too little faith in himself to believe this was happening, but he was selfish enough to never want it to end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watching bottomless episodes of drama after drama, eating with perilous messy feeding, skin touching under blankets and Junhoe had to _keep_ trying to hold himself back from giving in to Hanbin's endless cheeky offers for cuddles, lazy kissing during credits where Hanbin would look too pretty for his own good. Even though that was always. Junhoe's self-restraint levels just kept on fluctuating, and Hanbin didn't seem to be complaining from the way he kissed back. It seemed like Hanbin had maybe, just _maybe_ missed him too and that really made Junhoe's ego go through the roof.

"Chanwoo's worried about you," Hanbin said out of the blue and Junhoe almost face-palmed.

"We had _one_ bonding moment. _One_. He is _not_ allowed to have that pleasure of care yet."

"To be honest, everyone's worried about you. Or more, us."

"Do you...think they should be?" Junhoe asked as Hanbin pulled him into his side, his arm wrapping around Junhoe's waist securely and it felt so safe that Junhoe forgot to complain about it. And Hanbin looked down at him, for a very long time, too long of a time and neither of them had blinked and Junhoe's eyes were _really_ stinging.

"No."

"Oh. Really? I mean, okay. Wait-"

"No because it's not like we actually _mean_ any of the things we say. Right? We just kind of have these weird insecurity anger issue thingies. I don't know how to explain it mostly because yeah, it _is_ stupid. It all is. That's why we ended up with each other, I guess."

"Isn't it better when two people balance each other out, though?"

"I think it's better when two people give as much help as they take. But that's just my opinion."

Junhoe was left speechless for a good second, a second that Hanbin immediately took for granted as he curled up closer, squishing up against Junhoe. Did Junhoe mind? A little. His heart might beat out of his chest. "That...would be more difficult, wouldn't it?"

"Oh definitely. Implications, hurt feelings, drama, all sorts. But it's love, and it'll get easier. I think that's the whole point."

Junhoe nodded, resting his head against Hanbin's as he tried to look at the drama again. And sure, kissing might be great but Hanbin reaching under the blanket to search for his hand before interlacing their fingers, each and every one - _that_ was the real deal. And okay fine, maybe Hanbin pressing soft kisses into his neck helped too.

"Did you mean it?" Hanbin asked and Junhoe blinked at the screen that he couldn't focus on anymore.

"What?"

"That text you sent me."

Junhoe immediately knew what Hanbin was talking about and it was scary. It was almost scarier, in a way, that it _wasn't_ something that he had said on impulse. It was real. It was thought-out, something that Junhoe had been mulling over for a long, long time and his fingers had decided that it would be the perfect thing to say. And Junhoe knew he had meant it, more than one hundred percent, but he was still afraid.

"I did," Junhoe murmured and he heard Hanbin make a weird noise. "And one day, I'll say it out loud."

"One day," Hanbin choked out and Junhoe didn't have to think as he turned his head and kissed Hanbin with shaky lips and uncertain ideals but Hanbin's hand slid into his hair as he pressed closer, and nothing else really mattered.

Waking up to a lonely bed still, indefinitely, sucked. To hell. But the fact that Junhoe could see a visible indent, still feel a tiny ounce of warmth? Okay, maybe it only sucked to purgatory. Besides, he didn't need to feel sad because this time when Hanbin left, Junhoe knew that something else would happen too. Something incredible. At one point, he'd come _back_.

Junhoe didn't have to be so terrified of the unknown anymore.

He smelt it before he saw it, and he felt like an obsessed meerkat as he scurried over to the kitchen and saw the glory sitting right on the counter, too near to the sink for his liking so he quickly went and took hold of it. He could feel paper rustling against his fingers but for a moment, he just breathed it in, the spices, the tumbling heat, and he wanted to outright _cry_. Instead he held it in, hugging the mug to his chest as he took off the post-it-note attached.

_Jinhwan-hyung told me that you were trying to make your own one of this and failed miserably? Baby, you're so cute if you think you'll ever match this so just ask me whenever. I'm not going anywhere for a long time, you see._

No greeting, no sign-off. It was so utterly Hanbin.

So Junhoe took a sip, and immediately he could feel the warmth curling through his veins and it really felt like he had reached ultimate euphoria and yes, yes he had _definitely_ missed this far more than he had missed Hanbin. For sure.

Junhoe had realised that he really hated his boyfriend in the exact same way he hated how fucking delicious his spiced apple cider was.

He wondered what else Hanbin would make him hate.

 


End file.
